witstream:

Every Wednesday we usually ask a WS Aristocrat to name their five favorite tweets and then post them here. This week, we decided to mix it up a bit and ask everyone/anyone to name their top tweet. So here they are, in no order whatsoever, just like the laws of the universe as taught to us by Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park:

@Samir:

hey we’re having trouble naming this 50 Cent album, go get Richard Dietrying, he’ll know what to do

— john truckasauras (@chuchugoogoo)

January 15, 2013

@GirlWithATail:

the first thing i’ll say to my bridesmaids is, “I want to celebrate your shape”

— Allison Fields (@allisonfields)

March 27, 2013

@UncleDynamite:

If a server asks, “Diet Pepsi okay?” The proper response is “Do I look like a murderer?!”

— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford)

March 17, 2012

@JacobSW:

Whenever I see a whirlpool, I scream, “Help! That tornado can’t swim!”

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity)

April 8, 2013

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Of course there’s no such thing as Yuk Magazine. What’s the matter with you?

THESE MEN ARE DOOMED

sonofharlis asked: Would you rather fight one horse-sized duck, or a hundred duck-sized horses? And why? How would you win?

One horse-sized duck. And the fight would never happen - I’d gingerly, painstakingly tame her. For I am THE DUCK WHISPERER.

Then I’d get a saddle & a specially made bridle and we would ride! How could I afford the custom-build bridle, you might ask? I’d just put it on her bill!

BA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA !!!!

The Girl Annoyed That Every Female Swedish Character on Every Sitcom Ever is Named “Inga”

The Girl Who Was Surprised to Learn that the letter “O” with a Slash in it is not in the Swedish Alphabet

The Girl Who Bugged, You Know What I Mean? Really Bugged

The Girl Who Tripped, Jumped Back Up, and Said, “I Meant to do That”

The Girl, Standing in Front of a Boy, Telling Him She Loves Him

The Girl with the Overwrought Metaphor

Q: What’s love got to do with it?
A: I have grown emotionally attached to you and wish to become “more than friends.”

Q: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
A: I have them trained - it’s sort of a hobby.

Q: Why do fools fall in love?
A: Not wise enough to marry for money.

Q: How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man?
A: Just one, but he has to walk down it sometime between 2 and 5 AM, wearing nothing but a loincloth and a steely gaze.

Q: Does anybody really know what time it is? 
A: 12:16 PM PST.

Q: Does anybody really care?
A: I’d really like to get to that 12:45 showing of “Silver Linings Playbook” and I don’t want to miss the previews. So… me. I care.

Q: Who let the dogs out?
A: Justin Gonzales, Robertson Kennels Asst. Manager. In his defense, it was time for yard exercise.

Q: Why don’t you hit me with your best shot?
A: I fear I would cause you grievous bodily harm.

Q: Should I stay or should I go?
A: Elsewhere you state that if you go there will be trouble, if you stay there will be double. Based on simple arithmetic it seems clear that you should go.

Q: Have you ever seen the rain?
A: Yes, it was totally pouring this morning. 

Q: How do you talk to an angel?
A: Angels can understand pretty much any language so you should be good.

Q: Are we human or are we dancer?
A: Three-fifths human, one-fifth dancer, one-fifth spaniel.

Q: Wouldn’t it be nice? 
A: It would be more than nice - it would be loverly. 

Q: What’s so funny ‘bout peace, love and understanding? 
A: The “peace” part kind of makes me chuckle. 

Q: Is she really going out with him? 
A: Yes, for about two years now. Move on already. 

Q: People are people so why should it be you and I should get along so awfully? 
A: People may be people, but you are a self-involved jerk. 

Q: Are you gonna go my way? 
A: I am going southbound to about 36th. Does that work for you? 

Q: How much is that doggie in the window? 
A: $34.95 plus vaccination fees. 

Q: How can we sleep when our beds are burning? 
A: Flame-retardant sheets. Duh.

Q: Have I told you lately that I love you?
A: No, and it hurts. Oh, wait, are you telling me now?

Q: Will you still love me tomorrow?
A: What’s love got to do with it?

The day we moved into our house in the summer of 2000, the neighbors in the duplex across the street were having a yard sale. I noticed a nice-lookin’ acoustic guitar and took a break from unloading the truck to check it out. More interesting than the guitar or any other wares that day was the homeowner/yard-sale-proprietor. It was Brian George, most famous for playing the Pakistani restaurant owner Babu Bhatt on Seinfeld. Born in Israel to an Iraqi father and Indian mother, George has made his career on playing ethnicities such as Arab, Indian, Israeli, Persian, and the aforementioned Pakistani.

This might not come as a shock to you, but I was HUGE Seinfeld fan back in the day - you know, when it was originally aired, when you couldn’t pause television. I never answered the phone during Seinfeld, and my friends knew not to try to reach me during those 30 minutes (and they were probably watching anyway). When I temped on the Disney lot after college, I came face-to-face with Michael Richards, who was looking for Dolly Parton’s production company (Sanddollar, if I recall correctly). Even though I knew it was right around the corner, I couldn’t get the words out and someone else had to escort him to the office. I didn’t last too long on the Disney lot.

I had the privilege of attending a taping of the show in Studio City - the episode where George eats a Snickers bar with a knife and fork (they distributed the pieces to the audience after that scene). And I once ran into Jerry himself at the Ralphs in the Beverly Connection, right after the Northridge quake. He was buying a pint of ice cream with his pal Mario Joyner.

Suffice it to say, I was enamored with anything even Seinfeld-related, so it was quite a thrill to learn that my new neighbor was Mr. George. Alas, the yard sale was actually a moving sale, and my Seinfeld-adjacent tenure lasted a total of one day.

But here’s the best part: The man who moved into the duplex next was a Persian fellow, slightly balding grey hair, with a moustache. He looked exactly like Brian George.